I ludda get down (Freestyle) *open to criticism*

[Tito]

aight thanks for the feedback good and bad, i am always trying to step my game up and all that
I try and be deep with my rhymes ( as you can tell in the first lines asking mind boggling questions)
for those saying its whack tell me why. I thought it had substance and makes you think, but im not the audience
so any criticism, and you wanna holla than do it i am always trying to up my game

it was aight not that good but aight
anyway are you trying to be a rapper or something?

[TJ Hooker]

nah im not trying to be a rapper, i am trying to be an expressionist,
one that could change the game through words, rather than violence
more like a prphetic poet ya dig

yadadadamean!?


Thizz or die you beeezy

[TheGodEmperor]

nah im not trying to be a rapper, i am trying to be an expressionist,
one that could change the game through words, rather than violence
more like a prphetic poet ya dig

yadadadamean!?


Thizz or die you beeezy

you're going to need more vocabulary, basis in history, and vision to be a prophetic poet. I suggest you go read Blake and Milton, the two archetypal visionary/prophetic poets. Barring that, go read Yeats fort a taste of occultism. Either way, don't come here spewing this drivel and calling it prophetic poetry.

[Chunkchenko]

someone just got served. wtf is a bezzzy anyway?

[TJ Hooker]

aight thanks total douchebag, i dont gotta read books i make my own
knowledge and my own basis yadadadig???
listen to the lyrics, and its kind of like a movie, you can see pictures.
Thizzzzzzzzzz

BAY AREA 510

[TheGodEmperor]

aight thanks total douchebag, i dont gotta read books i make my own
knowledge and my own basis yadadadig???
listen to the lyrics, and its kind of like a movie, you can see pictures.
Thizzzzzzzzzz

BAY AREA 510

that wasn't a response, that was convoluded syllables meshed together by what seems like someone's pet monkey. And if you want to be a poet, and put forth your vision in an effective manner, you have to read, and gather an intellectual and historical basis for what you write.

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wildflower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

Those lines encapsulate precisely what you must do, and for starters, you should identify the poet who wrote them.

[TJ Hooker]

yes i rep old soccer grip, yes i rap for beyond football/
you left your identity, its trapped behind the woodstall/
learn to.....crawl before you walk....learn to walk... before you fall/
before you stall, like skateboarding , or is it just hate hoarding/
imma martian like lil wayne, if u like birds you probably would name yourself lil crane/
if u believe in cardiovascular longevity, most likely you would be lil vein/
or is it, that you love yourself also, in that case switch it to lil vain/
is it big vein (vain) , yes i am big mayne, writin raps that mentally deplete your brain/
maybe,you can call me crazy, but your chances of beating me are slim like shady/
throwin up peace signs with my grill like i was drivin a mercedes/
the Bow is a buster, totalfootball's attempt to be profound is lackluster/
and chunkchenko is a punk rock, hes just a straight customer/
when i give it to my girl, i dont mind hittin it from the back/
as long as the brown stuff dont come out the crack/
like tammy shears, leave u rugged like sandy spears/
make you cry at the beach those are sandy tears/
like when melbourne's mistress gave me a handjob like a manicure/




new freestyle entitled, my vision my life 

BAY AREA 510

big ups, leave a drop, late 1 soccer 4 life

[TheGodEmperor]

That wasn't me trying to be profound....I can guarantee you I'd be spewing philosophical theory and drawing references to various less-well-known poets and authors....I mean Blake and Milton are hallmarks! That is, if you are into proper poetry (unlike you). Ah for the comfort of the literately written word!

[TJ Hooker]

alright i fucks with that, obviosuly this rhyme had somethin to it, cause u didnt rip it apart  :hello:

ughhhhhhh!! looks like im hittin some cords ;)

thanks for the reply dog, stay up

BAY AREA 510 THIZZZZZZZZZZ

[TheGodEmperor]

I'll give you this: you had one or two nice little turns of phrase, but you have no conception of metre, form, or technical line breaks....and you need those, if you're gonna rhyme. To be honest, I see no vision or wit behind what you write, and your pieces don't flow to a close or startle to a halt, they sort of run out of steam. You don't leave the reader/listener with anything but the question: what the hell is this? If you're going to be scathing, do it subtly. Here is a short stanza I've written just now (like 5 minutes ago) taking a shot at Karl Marx. I don't like it (the form is lopsided):

?If religion is opiate to the masses,
then opium equally is metaphor:
the divider and merger of the classes --
opium-induced peace, zeal, and war,
family strife and broken glasses;
snorted anthropomorphic remnants of sense,
high and incapacitated on the floor,
pass the druglord mantle on to the state
and endow it with a deified opulence.

I changed the rhymescheme in the 2nd half to convey my idea, but now it sounds clunky. It's something I'll never use in a full poem, so thats why it's here.

[TJ Hooker]

nah fool thats hella wack, how can people relate to that shit? they cant
its trying to hard to be profound and be sick wit it with vocabulary
thats pushin the audience away
half the vocabulary u used dosent even fit in with the context fool
and ur trying to be too deep
come on baby , you know better than that keep ya head up, and step ya game up

1

BAY AREA 510 to the 0 to San Jo

THIZZZZZZZZZZ or DIE YOU BEEZY

[moby]

post a picture of your self, i want to see if your black or white