Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 11168 times)

Offline TAHA95

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #60 on: May 14, 2009, 01:44: AM »
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn
hole!"

Offline TAHA95

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #61 on: May 14, 2009, 01:46: AM »
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Offline TAHA95

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #62 on: May 14, 2009, 01:47: AM »
Jose Mourinho goes into a bar along with the Chelsea team.
Everybody is delighted to see such famous people and they all ask for autographs. A Ukrainian lady goes towards Jose and asks him to sign her private area. Jose takes the pen from her, pulls down her panties and then hesitates. The lady asked him if there was any problem. He said" The last time I signed a Ukrainian c*nt, it cost me 30 million.

Offline TAHA95

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #63 on: May 14, 2009, 01:50: AM »
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre the fighter pilot and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up. Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." He tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Pierre stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Offline TAHA95

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #64 on: May 14, 2009, 01:54: AM »
A guy walks down the street and trips over an old oil lamp. As he picks it up, a genie pops out and says, "I will grant you one wish."

The surprised man says, "I want to live in a mansion in Hawaii, but I am afraid of boats and planes, so I want there to be a bridge from here to there."

The genie sighs, "That's too much work. Sorry, can't make it happen."

The man says, "Fine, then I want to understand women."

The genie replies, "Would you like two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Offline TAHA95

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #65 on: May 14, 2009, 01:57: AM »
A little girl is walking near a park with her mum when she spots two people having sex.

"What are they doing mummy?" she asks

The mum does not know what to tell her so she saids "making cake".

They go to a zoo and two monkeys are having sex.

The little girl asks "Are they making cakes too mummy?"

"Yes dear" replies the mum.

The next day the little girl goes up to her mum and says "You and daddy were making cake in the living room yesterday weren't you?"

"How do you know that love?" asks the mum

"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Offline TAHA95

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #66 on: May 14, 2009, 01:59: AM »
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold...






.. NEW TYRES!!!

Offline Royal Freakiness

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #67 on: May 14, 2009, 05:59: AM »
A little girl is walking near a park with her mum when she spots two people having sex.

"What are they doing mummy?" she asks

The mum does not know what to tell her so she saids "making cake".

They go to a zoo and two monkeys are having sex.

The little girl asks "Are they making cakes too mummy?"

"Yes dear" replies the mum.

The next day the little girl goes up to her mum and says "You and daddy were making cake in the living room yesterday weren't you?"

"How do you know that love?" asks the mum

"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
:saywhat:
that is siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick

Offline Sule

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #68 on: May 14, 2009, 12:48: PM »
ive heard of all those ones be4 TAHA but some were still funny
"Aim to master the particular movement, whatever it may be, by refining and refining until no one but yourself can tell the difference between a movement you are satisfied with and one you know to be imperfect."

Offline TheIrishFreestyler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #69 on: May 14, 2009, 10:10: PM »
These are 2 long for me to read, give us some quick, one liners, they are the best!

Offline TW89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #70 on: May 15, 2009, 12:09: AM »
These are 2 long for me to read, give us some quick, one liners, they are the best!

Okay, this one always makes me laugh...
















Ireland.




"It's even easier to keep your head down and stay asleep,
and while your laying there counting see your face in them sheep"

Offline L_I_S

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #71 on: May 15, 2009, 12:19: AM »
These are 2 long for me to read, give us some quick, one liners, they are the best!

Okay, this one always makes me laugh...
















Ireland.
lmao, didnt expect that.

i dont quite get this one
Quote
An 8 year old boy sees a pregnant woman in the supermarket.
because she has a big belly,he keeps staring at her.
the woman asks the boy:"why are u staring at me?"
boy:"i know what you've been doing in the kitchen".
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