Jokes...

[Emil Nissen]

anyone have some good jokes up their sleeve?


i especially love chuck norris jokes: Hitler and Chuck Norris were eating breakfast together, when Chuck said he didn't like the juice...Hitler heard that wrong 

[jabarinho]

An elderly gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, his wife never achieves orgasm.

They decide to ask a doctor for advice. The doctor makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on the desired event."

They go home and follow the doctor's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the doctor. "Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed."

Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the doctor's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets going with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."

 

[Emil Nissen]

lol

[Adi]

 

[jabarinho]

Does anyone have any more jokes? I want to laugh, or smile, or something. Here's one:


John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Arizona called Long Valley.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that
looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret,
 I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let
him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."

The old man shouted, "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

[Royal Freakiness]

I see...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.

“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Sam is dead!”

[Royal Freakiness]

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

[Royal Freakiness]

Two West Virginians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"

"I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"

[Royal Freakiness]

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

[Emil Nissen]

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

[jabarinho]

Bahahaha some good ones there guys

[jabarinho]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah I want you to make me a new Ark".
 Noah replies, "No problem God, anything you want......

 God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks, one on top of the other".
 "20 DECKS!" screams Noah. "Well, OK big fella, whatever you say. . . . Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
 "Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

 "Fish?", queries Noah
 "Yep, fish . . well, to be more specific Noah, me old salty seadog , I want carp. Wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!"
 Noah looks to the skies. "OK God let me get this right, you want a New Ark? . . "

 "Check".
 ". . . with 20 decks, one on top of the other? . .. . "

 "roger that".

 ". . . . and you want it full of Carp?".
 "Spot on!"

 "Gaffer, far be it from me to question your infinite wisdom, but why?" asks the perplexed Noah.......

 "Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark''