Beyond Football - Freestyle Football Forum
General Category => General Chat => Topic started by: serbianfreestyle on Mar 23, 2009, 01:08: PM
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im not sure if there is another thread but......... post ur jokes or what not here....
If your uncle jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?
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how about a magic trick? I'll make this pencil disappear.
BOOM!!! *slams gangsta's eye on the pencil*
It's.... gone....
(I just rofled when that part came on)
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If your uncle jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack, off an elephant? lol, i read it like that at first.
that was an awesome seen RF ;)
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why the skeleton didn't go to the party?..................
because he had no-body to go with
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why the skeleton didn't go to the party?..................
because he had no-body to go with
:stupid:
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:stupid:
why the skeleton didn't go to the party?..................
because he had no-body to go with
lol good one
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whats the difference between maddy mccann and football
footballs coming home
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whats the difference between maddy mccann and football
footballs coming home
:o :lol:
Ethnic minorities in Britain have been complaining that they're not represented enough on TV.
...The BBC have decided to put Crimewatch on more regularly!
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whats the difference between maddy mccann and football
footballs coming home
:o :lol:
Ethnic minorities in Britain have been complaining that they're not represented enough on TV.
...The BBC have decided to put Crimewatch on more regularly!
haha i thought that was funny
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kinda long but I thought this was funny, copied from a website :)
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come off). Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo"sound. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire size of wiener in the mirror, scratch "privates" and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one). Wash face, then armpits. Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower. Wash privates and surrounding area. Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee (in the shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain hanging out of tub the whole time. Partially dry off. Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
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kinda long but I thought this was funny, copied from a website :)
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come off). Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo"sound. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire size of wiener in the mirror, scratch "privates" and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one). Wash face, then armpits. Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower. Wash privates and surrounding area. Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee (in the shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain hanging out of tub the whole time. Partially dry off. Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
or if you don like reading you can watch the video version
feature=related
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Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in the Mercedes and be happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
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Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in the Mercedes and be happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
LMFAO!
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A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Gate number 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If any of you can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F*** You!!!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!!!
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A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife,
"Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and
the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them!
I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come
back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you
decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind,
"O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees
doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband,
"Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
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Teacher: What do u want to become?
Johnny: doctor!
Teacher: Why?
Johnyy: Coz it's da only profession where
u can tell a women to take off her clothes
& ask her husband to pay for it!
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A man walks into a crowded doctor's office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks,
"Sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he informs her.
The receptionist indignantly responds, "Sir, You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he says.
"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there's something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walks out, waits several minutes, and re-enters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he states.
The receptionist nods approvingly.
"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"It burns when I piss out of it" the man replied.
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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".
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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. Out of the blue the king asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken back. However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
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woah too much to read. lol ive never seen 7 posts in a row befor.
does anyone know jokes about football? id love to hear them
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divorce letter
Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem.
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A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Gate number 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If any of you can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F*** You!!!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!!!
LMAO i wish that actually happened
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Chel$ki Player Prerequisites
To play for Chelsea, a potential signing must have eight special qualities:
1. Player must cost over £10 million (even if they are really, really shit; see Florent Malouda, Solomon Kalou)
2. Player must be paraded around for media upon being signed, preferably holding Peter Kenyon's penis, but if not possible, a Chel$ki shirt will do
3. Player must be prepared to drill for oil in Russia if not good enough to make the first team
4. Player must also work 200 mandatory hours as a henchman at Roman's secret evil volcano lair in Siberia
5. Player cannot be English unless they have a stupid accent, shit hair and are totally despicable
6. Player must dive. Frequently.
7. Player must believe that they are at least ten times better than they actually are (see Didhedive Dogshit)
8. Player must oil up Peter Kenyon's head and kiss it at least three times per week
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Manchester united team
Edwin Van Duh Bar
Dutch Goalkeeper, watched the spooned shot of John Terry in the champions league final, kept united as the shittest team in history
Gary Neville
Mankind is at a loss to many questions in life
1) Why is the something instead of nothing? 2) Is there a God? 3) Are we alone in the glaxy? 4) How did life first arise? 5) How does Gary Neville get in a side which competes for the title?
His grandparents are either (i) Cruel (ii) retarded (iii) no imagination, all down to the fact the game Gary's dad the same name as his surname to be called "Neville Neville". It is believed it is the 2nd option
Rio de je Ferdihand
He may be one of the best defenders in the league, but in his spare time, he is a drug dealer and has to have advance warning of drugs tests so he can "forget" to go.
Zoran Tosic
former FK Partizan player, no United fans had ever heard of him before. But because he singed for United, he is, by default, amazing and the next big thing
Adem "Little Kaka" Ljajick
When he is called "little Kaka" it is meant, he is like Kaka in everyway except Kaka is good and "Little Kaka" isn't
Patrice du Evra
better than carragher
Wes Orange
The lad loves the Manure fans, he loves the tight Asian pussy due to the fact none of the clubs fans come from Manchester, they come from countries such as China, America and Japan.
Micheal Hardgrave
Mongrel . If he had have been a dog he would have been dumped in a bag and sunk in a river as a puppy. Also doesn't drink milk, which effects his many injuries with weak bones.
Christiano Ronaldo
42 goals in the 07/08 season, says he is happy playing for United, until the Summer transfer window when he will be off to Madrid and Untied will be screwed next season then. Ronaldo has stated that he will miss the Mancunian women when he moves to Spain in the summer, I don't believe Ronaldo heard the womens cries of "Get off me you greasy cunt, I do not want to shag you" and got done for rape. Greasy prick.
Wayne Rooney
Likes Harry Potter, but since he's an idiot, he must be talking about the movies and not the books since he can't read. He doesn't even know which number is which, so when he gets subbed, a large bird call is put out over the speakers for him to leave.
He likes hookers, but ones near death. Yes, a granny lover.
Ryan Giggs
A shaved Wookie (in part), was a reject at Man City. Loves Wales so much he played for England schoolboys.
Dimitar Barby(off)
If you have any information on where he is, please inform the police, he was last seen at Manchester airport where he was put into a car by, as a witness says, a old angry drunk Scot, after he was sent to Man City by Spurs, but never arrived.
Scores most goals from an offside position or by just not moving outside the six yard box, or moving at all.
Ben Tennants
an rising star that nobody has seen play ever! But since United hasn't really done anything with their youth recently, he'll either do nothing for 1st team or get sold to League One
Micheal Carrick
Micheal Carrick left London because he had a rough night in bed with Ashley Cole. Carrick felt that if he wanted to run again and continue his footballing lifestyle it was in his best interests to leave London. Carrick opted for the soft anal fuck of John O'Shea and Wes Brown instead of the rampant Ashley Cole.
Luis Nani
better than that unknown bloke liverpool have on the left wing...no one knows who any of their players are, probably stolen off the black market
Paul Scholes
More famous for his small chalk white penis and fire pubes than his football. Got bullied in school for being ginger. Didn't have sex until Man U paid him enough to get a hooker (a teenage one, unlike the ones Rooney likes)
John O'Shea
John O'Shea takes it up the duffer! Oh Johny he takes it up the arse! John O'shea takes it up the duffer! With the queer lad Wes Brownnnnnn!
Dum-run Fletcher
Makes the Scotland team look better
Carlos Tevez
He won the "Ugliest Man of The Year Award" 2004-2008 (current holder). Said he wants to stay in Manchester (strange since Untied isn't in Manchester) so will be lucky for him when Man City buy him at the end of the season since United can't afford him. Debt is a very bad thing, never mind £800m+ of debt.
Rafeal Da Silva
According to United fans, he is the second coming of Christ (strange, as I don't think Jesus would want to play for the "Red DEVILS"). He seems to have come through the Man Utd youth system, despite being from Brazil, nice to see them using great UK youth talent, then again, who have they produced since the Beckham generation?
Park Ji Sung
Is really just the guy Rooney gets his takeaway from, Ferguson just plays him so Rooney can keep up to date on the menu.
He plays in the #13. Which is to remind Rooney of what his order is, "Everything on the menu excpet salad"
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how about a magic trick? I'll make this pencil disappear.
BOOM!!! *slams gangsta's eye on the pencil*
It's.... gone....
(I just rofled when that part came on)
ya that one was pretty funny
i was watching that yesterday :biggrin:
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barcelona team
1) Victor Valdés
Previously ineffectual goalie. He has recently improved his stats by desperately studying Derek Zoolander and mastering "Blue Steele".
2) Gabriel "Marshall" Milito
He is called the "Marshall" for some reason. He thinks he is in a war and the rival team are the enemies so he trounces their legs so they can't be a menace anymore.
3) Daniel Alves
His nickname is "The Spider" because he is everywhere and plays like has a lot of legs. Oh, and also for his uglyness.
4) Rafael "Sorry Was That Your Leg" Marquez
Juventues and Milan tried to rob him and we stole him back.HAHA!Stupid Italians.
5) Carles Puyol "Tarzan"
Intensly devoted/brainwashed Captain of the team. Sometimes confuses his Capitan role with that of a Sea Capitan. Does one hell of a Johhny Depp impression. Secret love child of God and the Queen of Barcelona.
6) Xavi
Puts the X in Futball Club Barcelona X.
7) Eidur Gudjohnsen
friends call him Guddy. Barca fans call him the blondie because hes as useless as a dumb blond girl and has blond hair.
8) Touré Yaya
The black assassin of the team. Every big team has one assassin, and Toure Yaya's main hability is to hurt the rival players without any kind of weapon. He also knows how to kick a ball occasionaly if he has to.
9) Slammin Sammy Eto'o
I'm a Mac
I'm a FCStole his nickname from Sam Roberts Canadian Rock Star. Wears a funny hat sometimes.
10) Lionel Messi
2nd worst in the world. Cristiano Ronaldo beat him in the worst in the world competition thanks to the diving skills.
11) Bojan Krkic
Lionel Messi look-alike, much younger, has smaller penis. He expects to get the golden ball at 2064 due to his short age.
13) José Manuel Pinto Colorado
"Pinto Colorado" means "Colorful Painting". Besides that, he's not a painter but a goalkeeper.
14) Thierry Henry
Arsenal fans wasn't pissed enough about Barca that his best player got to sign with the catalan team...Barca's fans were however pissed over a player who can't do fucking squat.
15) Aleksandr Hleb
Here ya go Arsenal fans, get even more pissed about this team... Wait, what? Now Fabregas told he wants to return someday to Barça? LOL!
16) Sylvinho
Probably the only Brazilian in the world who truly sucks at football.
17) Seydou Keita
He is like Touré Yayá, but smaller and faster. He also has black skin and a 25 inches cock.
18) Martín Cáceres
His name is Martín, but he's not from Cáceres.
24) Andrés Iniesta Luján
300 years young, this Vampire is a force to be reckoned with on the pitch. Is believe to be the reason many bats hang around the stadium. Only plays night games.
Nickname: Caspar
25) Albert Jorquera
He used to be number 11.
28) Sergi Busquets
His father Carles was the worst goalkeeper in history. He DIDN'T take any lesson from him, so he is a good player.
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Adem "Little Kaka" Ljajick
When he is called "little Kaka" it is meant, he is like Kaka in everyway except Kaka is good and "Little Kaka" isn't
:lol:
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Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company
Lady : Don't try to be funny.I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi
Station Master: No Madam,I'm afraid it's too heavy
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isn't anyone else keen on jokes?
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according to me bro's friends: :booty:
- while the owner was out, three frogs entered the lady's house
- the frogs entertained themselves until they heard the doors open
- having such limited time to escape, they hid wherever they could
- frog 1 went into the oven
- frog 2 into the washing machine
- frog 3 into the toilet
- the lady baked a cake, washed her clothes and went to the bathroom
- given the chance, the frogs escaped and revealed their experiences
- frog 1: That was the hottest weather I've ever experienced!
- frog 2: That was the wettest weather ever!
- frog 3: I've had the best time of my life: first it rained; then I felt a cool breeze; finally, it was snowing!!!
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according to me bro's friends: :booty:
- while the owner was out, three frogs entered the lady's house
- the frogs entertained themselves until they heard the doors open
- having such limited time to escape, they hid wherever they could
- frog 1 went into the oven
- frog 2 into the washing machine
- frog 3 into the toilet
- the lady baked a cake, washed her clothes and went to the bathroom
- given the chance, the frogs escaped and revealed their experiences
- frog 1: That was the hottest weather I've ever experienced!
- frog 2: That was the wettest weather ever!
- frog 3: I've had the best time of my life: first it rained; then I felt a cool breeze; finally, it was snowing!!!
that one is very famous here but in urdu
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kinda long but I thought this was funny, copied from a website :)
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come off). Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo"sound. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire size of wiener in the mirror, scratch "privates" and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one). Wash face, then armpits. Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower. Wash privates and surrounding area. Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee (in the shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain hanging out of tub the whole time. Partially dry off. Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
or if you don like reading you can watch the video version
feature=related
hahahahahahaa lmao
-
according to me bro's friends: :booty:
- while the owner was out, three frogs entered the lady's house
- the frogs entertained themselves until they heard the doors open
- having such limited time to escape, they hid wherever they could
- frog 1 went into the oven
- frog 2 into the washing machine
- frog 3 into the toilet
- the lady baked a cake, washed her clothes and went to the bathroom
- given the chance, the frogs escaped and revealed their experiences
- frog 1: That was the hottest weather I've ever experienced!
- frog 2: That was the wettest weather ever!
- frog 3: I've had the best time of my life: first it rained; then I felt a cool breeze; finally, it was snowing!!!
that one is very famous here but in urdu
well, my bro did get it from his pakistani friends :thumbsup:
-
Interviewer - "Peter Crouch, what would you be if you weren't a footballer?"
PC - "..A virgin"
Apparently its true too, I jus thought it was a joke lol
-
girls walks into the room where her mom is:
"Mom, it smells like corpse"....
"mom, i'm telling you, it smells like corpse"...........
"mom? mom...? MOMMY?! WAKE UP MOMMY!!!"
it made me lol
-
girls walks into the room where her mom is:
"Mom, it smells like corpse"....
"mom, i'm telling you, it smells like corpse"...........
"mom? mom...? MOMMY?! WAKE UP MOMMY!!!"
it made me lol
lol, thats sickening
-
lol
-
whats the difference between maddy mccann and football
footballs coming home
TOM you sick guy !!!!!!! lmao
i got one
would lick a mans arse for a chocolate bar?
-
that aint a joke, and it doesnt make sense :rolleyes:
-
time for some racist jokes, no one take it to heart
how do you know an asian has been in your home? (my fav joke)
all your homework is done and your dog is missing
i almost died when i heard that
what do you call four black people in a car?
tinted windows
-
time for some racist jokes, no one take it to heart
how do you know an asian has been in your home? (my fav joke)
all your homework is done and your dog is missing
i almost died when i heard that
lol! i hope no one gets offended.
r we allowed to post racist jokes? my friend knows heaps of aboriginal ones. theyre so bad though.
-
yeah just turn the aboriginal one into black, i'm sure people wont mind, i dont
what do you call a tito (black person) in a water slide?
sewrage
lol my fav abo joke
-
whats the difference between maddy mccann and football
footballs coming home
TOM you sick guy !!!!!!! lmao
i got one
would lick a mans arse for a chocolate bar?
that aint a joke, and it doesnt make sense :rolleyes:
if you sed nuthin you are gay lmaolmao
-
whats the difference between maddy mccann and football
footballs coming home
TOM you sick guy !!!!!!! lmao
i got one
would lick a mans arse for a chocolate bar?
that aint a joke, and it doesnt make sense :rolleyes:
if you sed nuthin you are gay lmaolmao
Once again, a human's ability to make the situation confusing and peculiar astounds me. In other words, I have no idea what u said, BUT, back on topic;
A woman takes a lover home during the day while
her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, howmuch?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the
boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy:"$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your
friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now."
-
whats the difference between maddy mccann and football
footballs coming home
TOM you sick guy !!!!!!! lmao
i got one
would lick a mans arse for a chocolate bar?
that aint a joke, and it doesnt make sense :rolleyes:
if you sed nuthin you are gay lmaolmao
Once again, a human's ability to make the situation confusing and peculiar astounds me. In other words, I have no idea what u said, BUT, back on topic;
A woman takes a lover home during the day while
her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, howmuch?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the
boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy:"$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your
friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now."
haha, so wrong. smart ass kid though
-
whats the difference between maddy mccann and football
footballs coming home
TOM you sick guy !!!!!!! lmao
i got one
would lick a mans arse for a chocolate bar?
that aint a joke, and it doesnt make sense :rolleyes:
if you sed nuthin you are gay lmaolmao
Once again, a human's ability to make the situation confusing and peculiar astounds me. In other words, I have no idea what u said, BUT, back on topic;
A woman takes a lover home during the day while
her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, howmuch?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the
boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy:"$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your
friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now."
ahhahaahahha lol best joke of the thread
-
whats the difference between maddy mccann and football
footballs coming home
TOM you sick guy !!!!!!! lmao
i got one
would lick a mans arse for a chocolate bar?
that aint a joke, and it doesnt make sense :rolleyes:
if you sed nuthin you are gay lmaolmao
Once again, a human's ability to make the situation confusing and peculiar astounds me. In other words, I have no idea what u said, BUT, back on topic;
A woman takes a lover home during the day while
her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, howmuch?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the
boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy:"$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your
friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now."
ahhahaahahha lol best joke of the thread
lmfao, yes that was the best :lol: :lol: :lol: omg still laughing while writing this shizzle
-
When do you know when your girlfriend is too young?
when you have to make aeroplane noises to get your dick in her mouth.
-
whats the difference between maddy mccann and football
footballs coming home
TOM you sick guy !!!!!!! lmao
i got one
would lick a mans arse for a chocolate bar?
that aint a joke, and it doesnt make sense :rolleyes:
if you sed nuthin you are gay lmaolmao
Once again, a human's ability to make the situation confusing and peculiar astounds me. In other words, I have no idea what u said, BUT, back on topic;
A woman takes a lover home during the day while
her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, howmuch?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the
boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy:"$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your
friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now."
ahhahaahahha lol best joke of the thread
lmfao, yes that was the best :lol: :lol: :lol: omg still laughing while writing this shizzle
hhahahahahhahahahhaha
-
When do you know when your girlfriend is too young?
when you have to make aeroplane noises to get your dick in her mouth.
dude, you r sick.
-
When do you know when your girlfriend is too young?
when you have to make aeroplane noises to get your dick in her mouth.
dude, you r sick.
hahhaah lol
"here comes the areoplane whoosh"
-
My mate told me these: What do you say when u see ur tv floating down the street at night? Drop it abo!
What's an aboriginal parachuting? A teabag.
-
i must counter balance the black jokes.
How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.
What's white and 10 inches long?
Absolutely nothing!
Why did white people own slaves?
They were not strong enough to pick cotton.
Why cant white men jump?
They were too busy making racist jokes. ( i can jump 69cm verticle :biggrin: )
Why is it so hard to find white racist jokes?
Cause being white is bad enough already.
-
i must counter balance the black jokes.
How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.
What's white and 10 inches long?
Absolutely nothing!
Why did white people own slaves?
They were not strong enough to pick cotton.
Why cant white men jump?
They were too busy making racist jokes. ( i can jump 69cm verticle :biggrin: )
Why is it so hard to find white racist jokes?
Cause being white is bad enough already.
who much can you do high jump
my record stand at 150 cm
-
i must counter balance the black jokes.
How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.
What's white and 10 inches long?
Absolutely nothing!
Why did white people own slaves?
They were not strong enough to pick cotton.
Why cant white men jump?
They were too busy making racist jokes. ( i can jump 69cm verticle :biggrin: )
Why is it so hard to find white racist jokes?
Cause being white is bad enough already.
who much can you do high jump
my record stand at 150 cm
lol 150cm high? oh u mean that olympic jumping thing were u throw urself over a bar yea. i havnt tried it since primary skool, sorry.
but thats quite high man :thumbsup:
-
lol
try it, if you can jump that high vertically you would do good in high jump
-
lol
try it, if you can jump that high vertically you would do good in high jump
not that im going 2 get a chance to, but if i ever see one, ill try 1.5m ;)
-
there was this guy trying to sell some lollypops:
"clitoris lollypops! clitoris lollypoooops!!!"
everybody was like wtf
then a guy walks towards the seller and tells him to give him one to see what they tasted like, so he starts licking it and suddenly says:
"FUCK!!!!!! THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!"
lollypop seller:
"turn it around you moron!"
-
My mate told me these: What do you say when u see ur tv floating down the street at night? Drop it abo!
What's an aboriginal parachuting? A teabag.
Thats racist dog.
-
An 8 year old boy sees a pregnant woman in the supermarket.
because she has a big belly,he keeps staring at her.
the woman asks the boy:"why are u staring at me?"
boy:"i know what you've been doing in the kitchen".
-
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn
hole!"
-
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
-
Jose Mourinho goes into a bar along with the Chelsea team.
Everybody is delighted to see such famous people and they all ask for autographs. A Ukrainian lady goes towards Jose and asks him to sign her private area. Jose takes the pen from her, pulls down her panties and then hesitates. The lady asked him if there was any problem. He said" The last time I signed a Ukrainian c*nt, it cost me 30 million.
-
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre the fighter pilot and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up. Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." He tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Pierre stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
-
A guy walks down the street and trips over an old oil lamp. As he picks it up, a genie pops out and says, "I will grant you one wish."
The surprised man says, "I want to live in a mansion in Hawaii, but I am afraid of boats and planes, so I want there to be a bridge from here to there."
The genie sighs, "That's too much work. Sorry, can't make it happen."
The man says, "Fine, then I want to understand women."
The genie replies, "Would you like two lanes or four on that bridge?"
-
A little girl is walking near a park with her mum when she spots two people having sex.
"What are they doing mummy?" she asks
The mum does not know what to tell her so she saids "making cake".
They go to a zoo and two monkeys are having sex.
The little girl asks "Are they making cakes too mummy?"
"Yes dear" replies the mum.
The next day the little girl goes up to her mum and says "You and daddy were making cake in the living room yesterday weren't you?"
"How do you know that love?" asks the mum
"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
-
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold...
.. NEW TYRES!!!
-
A little girl is walking near a park with her mum when she spots two people having sex.
"What are they doing mummy?" she asks
The mum does not know what to tell her so she saids "making cake".
They go to a zoo and two monkeys are having sex.
The little girl asks "Are they making cakes too mummy?"
"Yes dear" replies the mum.
The next day the little girl goes up to her mum and says "You and daddy were making cake in the living room yesterday weren't you?"
"How do you know that love?" asks the mum
"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
:saywhat:
that is siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick
-
ive heard of all those ones be4 TAHA but some were still funny
-
These are 2 long for me to read, give us some quick, one liners, they are the best!
-
These are 2 long for me to read, give us some quick, one liners, they are the best!
Okay, this one always makes me laugh...
Ireland.
-
These are 2 long for me to read, give us some quick, one liners, they are the best!
Okay, this one always makes me laugh...
Ireland.
lmao, didnt expect that.
i dont quite get this one
An 8 year old boy sees a pregnant woman in the supermarket.
because she has a big belly,he keeps staring at her.
the woman asks the boy:"why are u staring at me?"
boy:"i know what you've been doing in the kitchen".
-
An Irish guy walks into a bar........
Suprise!
-
HAHA luv it, I didnt expect that but I opened myself up for that!
Heres one:
2 Irish men sitting in a plane.
Murphy says to Paddy: "Im gonna flip this plane now Paddy, hold on"
Paddy says: "No dont, we'll fall out"
Murphy replies: "No we wont, we'll still be friends"
-
what do you call cheese that's not yours... nacho cheese hahahahaha :biggrin:
-
haha the irish ones :biggrin:
-
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."
-
Alan shearer has been given the award of the 2nd worst caretaker in history.
First place was given to Ian huntley.
-
On hearing her elderly grandad had died, Katie went to her 98 year old grans house. When she asked how he died, graan replied, 'He had a heart attack during sunday morning sex'. Katie was aghast at her 2 granparents risking their livess making love. 'oh no' said gran, 'we do it to the church bells. Nice and slow. In on the ding and out on the dong', she paused to wipe away a tear, 'he'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along'.
I just bought a racehorse!!!! I have decided to name him "MY FACE".. I dont care if it doesn't win a race, or make any money.. I just want to here thousands of the posh tarts at Ascot shouting "Cum On My Face"
Its just after break time in a playschool and the teacher asks the kids what they got up to during the break...
Teacher : "So Sam what did you get up to?"
Kid : "I played in the sand pit miss!"
Teacher: "Lovely, I'll tell you what if you can spell 'sand' on the board you can have a chocolate hobnob..."
The kid goes up to the board and spells out the word perfectly and gets his hobnob.
Teacher: "How about you Katie? What did you get up to?"
Katie: "I played in the sand pit with sam"
Teacher: "Thats nice Katie, if you can write 'play' on the board you can have a biscuit too..."
Katie spells the word perfectly on the board and earns herself a chocolate hobnob.
Teacher: "Abdul, what did you get up to? Did you play in the sand pit too?"
Abdul: "No miss, they said I wan't allowed because I was 'different'..."
Teacher: "Sam, Katie thats blatant racial discrimination!!"........
"I'll tell you what Abdul, if you can write 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board you can have a chocolate hobnob too..."
Two Muslims have crashed a lorry full of explosives into a reservoir wall.
Police think it may be the start of Ram-a-Dam
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I just bought a racehorse!!!! I have decided to name him "MY FACE".. I dont care if it doesn't win a race, or make any money.. I just want to here thousands of the posh tarts at Ascot shouting "Cum On My Face"
ahahaha, good 1.